If your lookin

Lately I've been rollin to the ear candy of John Mark McMillan. If you want some folksy rock n' roll thats creative and all about Jesus, then John Mark will satisfy even the most demanding. John Mark is one of the worship leaders at my church so I have heard not only his music, but also his heart, as he has shared here and there on sunday mornings.

I don't know if I'm weird with music but I always start out not liking a particular group and then absolutely loving them. John Mark was that way...

So I just wanted to throw a plug for John Mark because his cd, "The Medicine", has been inspiring me and I've had a hard time not listening to it. He's been singing to me this whole trip. Check him out...

Both of his cd's, "The Medicine" and "The Song Inside the Sounds of Breaking Down" are solid, with a capital I CAN'T STOP LISTENING!

"There's not enough gravity that can hold me now, and I know that You're gonna meet me here. There's not enough dignity that can keep me away from You"-JMM

Smiles and Perspective

Thailand is called the "Land of Smiles". It's true, there are lots of smiles here, but I often wonder at what is behind a smile. It is the universal language, as anywhere you go a smile is understood, no matter what language you speak. But a smile doesn't always mean what it portrays. Many, many times in my life I have put a smile on my face, when the reality of my heart was hidden behind the mask. It's just easier to smile and hide things.

I walk these streets and look at the people. So many people all around me, many with smiles. It's sometimes hard to believe the web of oppression in this place. The amount of things done in darkness, under the cover of night. And even during the day.

The problem here is much different then I initially thought. I had a certain image in my head when comming to Thailand about what it was like and I thought I knew all there was to know about the sex trades. But after the last few weeks of conversations with people here on the ground, my perspective is changing. And rightly so. Perspective should change when information goes from narrow to broad. Comming here I had the narrow form of perspective. Narrow amount of information and yet thinking I was learned on the subject. I will try to explain some of the perspective I have gotten in the next few days.

I love gaining new perspective. It changes the heart.

Pictures:(

So I've decided to take my pictures off of here and refrain from posting until I can get a watermark in them and copyrighted. Hopefully I'll be able to figure something out here soon so that I can get to posting soon!

What I need to do is buy Photoshop, but at $700 its kind of spendy....sigh

Anyone have a copy just layin around?? ha

Until then I have a lot to write about...

Useless Tears, Useless Fears

How many times do my tears flow, to the sound of something useless? So many. When the tears are spent, and time is taken to ponder why the tears flowed, I sometimes find that they were spent on worthless things. Spent on useless fears that I have allowed to stand in front of my eyes. There are many kinds of tears, of course, to many there is a freedom for, and many that need no apology. But the ones from fear I find flow from a place where I am failing to trust. As if my tears are undermining the faithfulness of the Lord. He is faithful! Why do I fear? I guess part of the journey is learning to trust when I can't see.

I think back on times in my life when I couldn't see, and had fear inside, because my destiny was so unclear. But every time, things always turned out ok, with the exception of the time wasted on fear. Worrying about this and that. It's so useless. Why can't I learn?

For the past week, Billy and I have been in a province of Thailand, spending time with my friend Casey and his family. We have been cruising around in Casey's truck and many times as we were climbing into the back seat where his daughter was located, she would take one look at us and start crying. I just wanted to communicate to her that we weren't there to hurt her but exactly the opposite! We are her friends! But it was impossible to communicate that. No matter how many smiles I threw her way, the tears still flowed. Useless tears.

I wonder if God feels the way I felt. Trying to communicate something, but to no avail. How many times has He tried to communicate to me that there is nothing to fear, but my tears keep flowing. Useless tears for useless fears....

Red Lights and Dignity

It was an interesting night the other night, walking the streets of Bangkok, the neon signs lighting my path, and sultry eyes hoping to meet mine and win my approval. As I walked by one woman, she slid her arm in mine, and proceeded to walk as if she was mine. Others would tap my arm and try to get my attention. I had a hard time looking people in the eye, not because of shame, like some of the fellows there, but because all I could think about was what those women were thinking about. I felt that if I met eyes with one of those women, they would be thinking that I was evaluating them. Looking them up and down to see if they were good enough to take home with me. As if searching for a perfect steak to take home and grill. That's all these women are to many of the men that visit this place. Nothing but a little bit of pleasure. All lined up along the street, or at the bar, waiting for someone to come pick them so that they could lavish their fake love on their fake lovers in return for some cash. I had a hard time walking through those streets, cause I knew that when those people saw me, they would assume the reasons as to why I was there. I mean the color of my skin and the air of those streets, what else would one assume?

We sat at Starbucks for a while and chatted, and all the while I could see a few girls standing along the street, right outside the window. I saw a man come up to one of the girls and lean over and whisper some things in her ear, to which she looked away, contemplating wether or not it was worth the money. He persistently tried to talk her into something, but she refused and he eventually gave up. I was somewhat encouraged that she had strength to say no, for it revealed that dignity was still alive, somewhere in her soul. Oh that she would know the dignity that she really carries!! That she would know the One true lover of her soul!

But how to convey this?

Gotta go...to be continued...

Some Hope

"If you have hope, then it doesn't matter what you DON'T have, but if you don't have hope, then it doesn't matter what you DO have"....from the mouth of a homeless man, circa: sometime in the last ten years, as quoted from Ivan, Ywam-Thailand. Basically to say that he doesn't need to find a job, find a house, get a car...none of those things will "set him straight"....He simply needs hope.

This quote popped out to me in a conversation yesterday, and it resonated in my heart. At times in my life when I had no hope, all the material things in this world meant nothing. My car and all the material things that I owned times ten couldn't really provide me with anything that I really needed. But yet how many times do you see people looking to material things to provide purpose or happiness? How many times have I done this?

Do you have Hope? Because there is a river of Hope that never stops flowing. I think that I'm slowly learning to grasp this. Learning that it is there for me daily. Available to all, all the time. Will I take the opportunity to connect my heart to it? Because it takes a decision on my behalf, to make the time to set my eyes before the One who makes hope possible.

Make some time!

Thailand, Bhutan, Thailand

So I arrived in thailand on the 3oth of July, spent the next few days jet lagged out of my mind, almost in a delirious stage, waiting for friends to arrive in Bangkok. On the 5th of August, 5 of us cruised to Bhutan for an epic time of life. We maximized our time there, being that it was only 5 days and was super expensive, and now we have landed back in good ole bangkok. Now it's just me and Billy. Three of the five of our team has flown back to their respective places and we are going to be here for a few days before heading to northern Thailand. My access to internet has been limited, and so the opportunity to sit down and write has been limited. But no more. Free internet access and lots of time. At least this week. This week Billy and I are figuring out the next leg of our trip and it is during this time that I'm gonna try and process my trip to Bhutan and post a few pics!

I was taken aback by what Bhutan held for me. I wasn't ready for its beauty. Its beauty of land, but mostly its beauty of people. There is a gentleness that rests upon this people, that is not only felt, but is seen, deep in their eyes.

Bhutan has been one of the most isolated nations in the world, and the government takes great measures to preserve their culture and identity. In recent years though, with the internet and cell phone markets seeping into the country, Bhutan has seen the increasing pull of the modern world. Television and internet were banned until 1999. It was weird being in a village and seeing everyone on a cell phone. Until recently, everyone was required to wear the traditional garb, but we encountered many people who weren't wearing it. Especially in the younger generation we saw what looked like kids who were watching too much mtv. The governments measures do work in many respects. The only way into the country is through a travel agency and the government monitors everything that tourists do. Travel agents must submit papers at the end of a trip, telling of all the sights that were seen, the hotels stayed at, and food that was eaten. It was such a unique country! I was amazed at its preservation despite the influx of the internet and cell phone usage. I am excited to process what happened in my heart during my time there, but suffice it to say that I am forever impacted by what I saw and the people I met.

The next couple of days I will be posting pictures from my time there and attempting to write about what I experienced there.

What? The Sky is Blue?

This was the view from my hotel room here in Bangkok. It's like this for as far as the eye can see in all directions. This city is immense, and its thick with concrete and people. The first few days were hazy and overcast and I couldn't tell if it was actually cloudy or if it was just the smog that makes its home above this city. I was going to compare it to LA, but it's incomparable. In LA you can escape the smog simply by leaving the city, but here it is all city. Its inescapable. I suppose there is a reason you see so many people wearing masks over their faces. There have been many times already that have been overwhelmingly uncomfortable because of the lack of clean air. My lungs only being able to find diesel fumes to breathe. Mix that with some sweat drenching heat and your likely to pass out, or at least a be a little dizzy. I've had to stop and catch my breath more than once. I had forgotten that the sky was even blue, until about the third day, when I caught it peeking at me through the clouds. I miss the blue skies of South Carolina already.

It has been a rough transition so far. My stomach feels iffy and I have locked eyes with 4 a.m. more this week than any human should in a lifetime. I am 11 hours ahead of east coast US time, which makes my day east coasts night. Which means when its time to go to bed here, its time to wake up there. I don't remember having so much difficulty transitioning during my other travels but for some reason my body clock doesn't want to change. Maybe i need new batteries...I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning and couldn't sleep! It's day 6 0f this and a good nights sleep is calling my name. I have been finding myself exhausted at about 4 p.m. everyday and have, probably to my error, taken a quick nap to ward off the impending dreary eyes. Maybe I'll skip the nap today and exchange it for sleep tonight. It's easy to say now, but when 4 p.m. rolls around, a nap is quite tempting.

There has been much on my mind so far. Wondering about what this trip holds for me, the places my feet will tread, and the people I will meet. What will come from this heaven only knows. But there is hope in my heart. Hope that somehow, someway the Lord will use me to touch the life of another person. The past month has been a whirlwind of working out details and preparing for this journey, so it has been nice having a few days to settle down and settle in. I am so grateful for this opportunity and so thankful for the way the Lord has made this a reality.

A huge thanks goes out to those who have supported me financially. I have been blown away by your generosity and your eagerness to sow into me has caught me off guard. I am encouraged that you believe in me! Thank you!

This is just the beginning and I hope to stay steady with updates! (although I have yet to define steady in my world haha)...and I leave you with this...

Thailand Travel Tip #1:

When using a public restroom, make sure that you grab all the toilet paper that you need BEFORE going into the stall. Its located outside of the stall(what the heck? for your convenience?). The last thing you want to do is be sitting there and realize that the stall walls are bare of any type of accessories. You better hope that your wearing socks that day.

Bright Alley

It is a sad life to live, having your heart not fully committed to something, but knowing that it should be. Feeling a pull, a tug, towards something good, but yet fully ignoring it and walking the other way. Turning away from that which gives life and embracing that which tears down life.

How often do I find myself in this city? Walking the streets, standing at intersections, at forks in the road, with direction to choose. Why do I so often choose the wide darkened street? It is full of life, but it is not alive. What is it in me that chooses to stand beside the less faithful, the lesser love. That which is not love at all. Should it not be the other way around? Quickly running to the light and fleeing from the throes of darkness? Maybe it's because light exposes. Maybe it's because exposure tag teams with vulnerability and leaves me feeling naked. It's like that nightmare that many of us have had in our lives, where we find ourselves walking the halls of high school, only to realize that we forgot to put on pants or some other important piece of clothing. It's that same exposure that Adam and Eve felt as they hid in the garden. So much fear of being seen as I really am. Why am I so afraid? I'm not sure I have the answer.

But all that to say that I feel like I keep finding myself at the ugly end of a bad decision. A wide, dark street. Ignorance leaping to life in my heart. Apathy and laziness dancing to its tune.

I need Grace today. Grace to forgive, instead of harbouring bitterness. Grace to give, rather then covet. Grace to truly love, instead of having my eyes on me. Grace to step off the wide streets and slip into the bright alleys.

They shot the popsicle man!

Yep, they shot the popsicle man. Right in front of her. I'm not sure what he did to deserve death, but it seemed like a small detail compared to the fact that he had just been shot. There was a lady at my home group sharing this story about when she was little and lived in Rio de Janeiro. She saw the popsicle man get shot right in front of her. Rio de Janeiro is one of the most violent cities on earth and apparently it wasn't uncommon for her to see bodies in the streets. Days passing without anyone touching them.

I guess it caught my attention because I have been thinking a lot lately about life and death. This thing called death is so strange to think about. It comes for us all, some sooner then others, but I can't shake the feeling that one day, this thing called life will come to an end. One day I will be swallowed whole by the grave and all the things that I am stressed about right now will be nothing but a vapor in the wind. This moment is fleeting, this breath that I breathe is fading away, and each minute that passes brings me closer to a destiny that comes to all men. It's not that I'm scared of death, for I know the fate that awaits me, but it's the time from now until heaven that I have been thinking about. Thinking about death always puts the current moment into perspective. For I am a flower that is fading away, scorched by the light of the sun. It causes me to rethink the way that I am spending time. I seem to be going through life as if I have a lot of time to spare. Putting things off until days down the road. Days turning into weeks, weeks turning into months. I mean it is halfway through the year 2009. We are in the future. I remember people asking me what I thought life would look like at age 25. I could never come up with any type of answer because 25 was such a far off figure. And now that 25 has come and gone, I'm left with a memory that was once "the future". It seems with every passing year, the next one seems to move a little faster. It's as if the world is gaining momentum and I'm just hanging on for the ride. People always warned me about this, but I don't think that I ever really listened.

I guess I was vain to think that the world wouldn't pass me by. It was vain to think that time was my friend and that it was looking out for me.

I was sitting at a baseball game the other night, just observing the thousands of people around me, and a thought came to me. I thought about how all of the time that has ever existed on this earth has brought us up to this point. We are standing on the back of history. History carries with it stories of people who lived their lives to the fullest, who didn't let one day slip through their fingers. It also speaks of people who squandered their time here, led astray by apathy and laziness. I long to be the former, not the latter...

Cause you never know when you can go. I mean, one minute you could be selling popsicles, and then the next minute be dead...

Oh, the brevity of life