Bright Alley

It is a sad life to live, having your heart not fully committed to something, but knowing that it should be. Feeling a pull, a tug, towards something good, but yet fully ignoring it and walking the other way. Turning away from that which gives life and embracing that which tears down life.

How often do I find myself in this city? Walking the streets, standing at intersections, at forks in the road, with direction to choose. Why do I so often choose the wide darkened street? It is full of life, but it is not alive. What is it in me that chooses to stand beside the less faithful, the lesser love. That which is not love at all. Should it not be the other way around? Quickly running to the light and fleeing from the throes of darkness? Maybe it's because light exposes. Maybe it's because exposure tag teams with vulnerability and leaves me feeling naked. It's like that nightmare that many of us have had in our lives, where we find ourselves walking the halls of high school, only to realize that we forgot to put on pants or some other important piece of clothing. It's that same exposure that Adam and Eve felt as they hid in the garden. So much fear of being seen as I really am. Why am I so afraid? I'm not sure I have the answer.

But all that to say that I feel like I keep finding myself at the ugly end of a bad decision. A wide, dark street. Ignorance leaping to life in my heart. Apathy and laziness dancing to its tune.

I need Grace today. Grace to forgive, instead of harbouring bitterness. Grace to give, rather then covet. Grace to truly love, instead of having my eyes on me. Grace to step off the wide streets and slip into the bright alleys.

They shot the popsicle man!

Yep, they shot the popsicle man. Right in front of her. I'm not sure what he did to deserve death, but it seemed like a small detail compared to the fact that he had just been shot. There was a lady at my home group sharing this story about when she was little and lived in Rio de Janeiro. She saw the popsicle man get shot right in front of her. Rio de Janeiro is one of the most violent cities on earth and apparently it wasn't uncommon for her to see bodies in the streets. Days passing without anyone touching them.

I guess it caught my attention because I have been thinking a lot lately about life and death. This thing called death is so strange to think about. It comes for us all, some sooner then others, but I can't shake the feeling that one day, this thing called life will come to an end. One day I will be swallowed whole by the grave and all the things that I am stressed about right now will be nothing but a vapor in the wind. This moment is fleeting, this breath that I breathe is fading away, and each minute that passes brings me closer to a destiny that comes to all men. It's not that I'm scared of death, for I know the fate that awaits me, but it's the time from now until heaven that I have been thinking about. Thinking about death always puts the current moment into perspective. For I am a flower that is fading away, scorched by the light of the sun. It causes me to rethink the way that I am spending time. I seem to be going through life as if I have a lot of time to spare. Putting things off until days down the road. Days turning into weeks, weeks turning into months. I mean it is halfway through the year 2009. We are in the future. I remember people asking me what I thought life would look like at age 25. I could never come up with any type of answer because 25 was such a far off figure. And now that 25 has come and gone, I'm left with a memory that was once "the future". It seems with every passing year, the next one seems to move a little faster. It's as if the world is gaining momentum and I'm just hanging on for the ride. People always warned me about this, but I don't think that I ever really listened.

I guess I was vain to think that the world wouldn't pass me by. It was vain to think that time was my friend and that it was looking out for me.

I was sitting at a baseball game the other night, just observing the thousands of people around me, and a thought came to me. I thought about how all of the time that has ever existed on this earth has brought us up to this point. We are standing on the back of history. History carries with it stories of people who lived their lives to the fullest, who didn't let one day slip through their fingers. It also speaks of people who squandered their time here, led astray by apathy and laziness. I long to be the former, not the latter...

Cause you never know when you can go. I mean, one minute you could be selling popsicles, and then the next minute be dead...

Oh, the brevity of life